NC-17 for highly improbable Sam/Jack smut, cliche abuse, humor, and clueless alien m/m/m. I’m not wild about the term crackfic, but if I’ve ever written any, this is it.
Disclaimer: These people do not belong to me and I am not making any money off them.
It had been two days. Two whole days during which Jack and Carter had been chained to a wall, inches apart and butt naked, by three newly-corporeal aliens who, they said, had taken human form for the sole purpose of studying sexual reproduction.
Luckily, they weren’t so bright.
“That’s not how — ” Carter had started, upon realizing all three were male.
“Carter! That’s exactly how we reproduce.” Jack gave her the sternest look he could manage in his current condition. So far their captors had barely noticed that Carter’s equipment was different from theirs; the last thing Jack wanted was for them to figure out that a female was normally required for this operation.
So, on demand, Jack had directed them on which extremities went into which orifices (fingers in ears, toes in belly buttons), which worked just fine until one of them noticed, belatedly, that one of his extremities was growing. Jack had had to start talking about different extremities then.
It was disturbing. It was disgusting. It was way too close to him and Carter for Jack’s comfort. But there was only so much sex talk, alien three-way porn, and naked Carter a guy could take. Jack was going to explode.
Carter’s nipples were at permanent attention and she was crossing and uncrossing her legs a lot, and sometimes she suppressed hot little whimpers that Jack felt right in his dick. So he figured she was in the same state as he was: thoroughly revolted and horny as hell.
Fuck. He’d had already dozed off once and dreamt about Carter sucking him off, then riding him into oblivion. Sadly, he’d stopped having wet dreams decades ago. It would have been humiliating, but if Jack didn’t come soon …
“Look,” said the one Jack thought of as Dopey, as he took a step towards Jack. Grumpy and Sneezy, busy fucking each other senseless in a position Jack would never have thought of, paid him no attention.
Dopey was staring at Jack’s groin. “I believe the size of this one’s — what did you call it?” he asked Jack.
Oh, sweet suffering Jesus. “Penis,” Jack said.
“Yes. The size of this one’s penis means he is enjoying observing our activities.”
“No,” Jack said, “it means I have to take a piss.”
Grumpy and Sneezy finally looked up. Grumpy approached Carter and said, “I believe the scent arising from this one means the same.”
Sneezy, having been staring intently at Carter, suddenly jumped back. “What is this? Why is this one changing color?”
Carter’s blush went all the way to her — oh, god.
“It means I’m ill,” Carter said quickly. “I’m going to die if I don’t receive medical attention on my own planet.”
The woman was amazing. Jack made a note to himself to tell her that as soon as possible, and repeatedly.
“You told us you didn’t want to hurt us,” Jack said. “You said it would just be a few days.”
Carter was now holding her breath in an attempt to change color again.
Dopey, Grumpy and Sneezy conferred in their weird, clicking language. Jack shared a hopeful look with Carter, who was beginning to turn blue.
“Very well,” Grumpy said, watching her with growing alarm. “You have taught us all you promised.”
And before Jack could blink, he was standing in front of the Stargate. Carter was beside him — she gasped, took in a deep breath, and coughed — and Daniel and Teal’c were there, too. Jack and Carter were both wearing BDUs again, thank god, though Jack’s weren’t loose enough to hide his problem. He just hoped the guys wouldn’t look down.
“Whoa,” Jack said.
Daniel’s eyebrows dived for each other. “Hey, weren’t you guys just over there?” He pointed somewhere off to the left.
“I believe they were, Daniel Jackson.”
“Long story,” Carter said.
“Just get us out of here right now,” Jack said.
“Teal’c, dial up the gate.” Teal’c was standing closest to the DHD, and speed mattered. A lot.
“Wait, sir.” Carter was still breathless. “Don’t you think it would be a good idea if we went to the Alpha Site first?”
“Why?” Daniel asked.
Jack was about to ask that himself, but Carter cast her eyes to the tree line — several times, until Jack got the message. Better to show up at a lightly guarded outdoor gate than in the very busy — and very videotaped — SGC gate room. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, of course, that’s a fine idea, Major. Thank you.” Jack hopped from one foot to the other and ignored Daniel’s concern. “Teal’c, make it the Alpha Site, okay, buddy?”
On the other side, Daniel managed half a syllable — “Wha?” — before Jack tugged Carter away by the elbow.
“Just need a second with, uh, my second. Back in a bit,” Jack said. He had trouble keeping up with Carter, who was nearly running. “And don’t follow us! That’s an order!”
When they reached a small clearing that offered some privacy, they stopped and stared at each other.
“Sir, are you still …?”
“Oh, yes. Oh yes.” Which she no doubt already knew from the bulge in his pants, but it was nice of her to ask.
“Me too,” she said.
Jack’s breathing was now as shallow as hers. He thought fast. “Okay, the way I see it we have two options.”
“Two options,” she said.
“Right. One, we go take care of ourselves in the woods and we never mention this again. And two –”
“I like number two.”
“Oh, thank god.”
She shoved him up against the nearest tree, her mouth latching onto his, her hands already working at his belt. Jack returned the favor, and spared a couple brain cells to tell himself that getting naked this close to the base would be a bad idea. He dipped his hand inside her underwear instead, and she ground down onto his fingers as he plunged them inside her. He only paused to gasp when her hand wrapped around his dick.
Carter let him go to shove her pants down around her ankles, and coaxed Jack to step inside the circle of her legs. She raised one leg as high as she could on his thigh, like she was trying to climb up his body. His hands were shaking so much that his aim was a little off, and they both hissed at the contact before Carter directed him inside.
She whimpered with relief as Jack drove in hard. He heard himself moan.
“Quiet,” she said. She unzipped his vest and scrabbled her hands into his shirt, bunching the cotton under his arms. Then she took care of her own vest and t-shirt, and shoved her bra up, so they were in contact from hips to chest. It was too much, too fast, and Jack pumped into her mindlessly, barely remembering to squeeze a hand between them.
She whispered, “So good,” into his ear.
“Yeah,” he said, and claimed her mouth again. He felt her shiver and knew she had to be as close as he was, so he increased the pressure on her clit. She shuddered deeply, arched into him, and the expression of relief and pleasure on her face was something Jack wanted to remember for a long time. He followed her a few moments later and pumped himself dry as she sagged against him, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck for support.
Jack pulled out and dropped his forehead onto hers. “Wow,” he said.
She didn’t seem able to talk, and her hips were still circling lazily. Jack laid his hand over her clit, barely touching, and she hummed.
“Oh,” she said finally, as her hips slowed down. “I really needed that.”
“Tell me about it.” He dipped his head for a quick kiss and tried a little more pressure with his fingers.
She sighed happily. “If we had time I’d beg you not to stop that,” she said, which was enough to wake up Jack’s dick.
But they had to come back to earth fast. Jack zipped himself up and stepped back to help her with her pants. Her skin was bright pink again — every inch of it — but Jack knew it wasn’t embarrassment this time.
“So what now?” he asked.
“Now we’d better get back before they come looking.”
That wasn’t what he’d meant. “And then …?”
She looked him right in the eye. “And then we tell them.”
“Tell them? Tell who?”
“Everyone. Only we leave out the part about getting to the Alpha Site first.”
She really was amazing. “And then we claim emotional hardship so we can keep seeing each other,” Jack said. “You’re a genius, Carter.”
She tugged his head to hers and gave him a long, wet kiss.
“Jack? Sam?” It was Daniel, still at a distance, but their time was up.
“I knew he’d disobey me, the little weasel.” Jack took another step away from her, and Carter pushed off from the tree to stand up straight.
“We’re fine, Daniel,” she called out.
Daniel burst through the brush. “Oh, hi,” he said, as if he was surprised to see them. “Are you guys okay? Did something happen on the planet?”
Carter had bits of bark in her hair and Jack’s vest was only halfway on. Daniel looked back and forth between them.
“Aliens made us do it, Daniel,” Carter said.
Jack grinned like an idiot all the way back to the base.